Sometimes it happens on the playground. Sometimes a client brings it up or a dad friend leans over at dinner. “Callan, I want to take my full paternity leave but…”

“I’ll be the first in my firm…”

“They seem supportive but have no idea how to help me plan, and I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“I’m up for a once in a lifetime promotion, and I know they’ll look at me sideways.”

“They created a gender neutral policy but then the CEO made some vague reference to how each person will have to make their own call on how much leave to take based on their responsibilities, so I know I’m screwed if I do.”

These are men who want to be equal partners and active dads. They are men who tell me they want to spend their privilege to carve the path for other parents, especially for women they don’t want to see get sidelined.

And they feel the pressure, too. Because, yes, research shows men get a fatherhood bonus BUT ONLY if they play on certain terms- only if their fatherhood is a reason for them to be loyal to work and they come back a few days after birth business as usual, expecting someone else to do the parenting for, well, the rest of their lives.

In fact, in a recent New America study about why men aren’t taking parental leave, more than 75% of men have seen a male colleague punished in some way for prioritizing parenthood. Fifty percent think parenting is perceived as unmanly.

Obviously, this is a company, culture, and systems problem. And obviously, these dads don’t have time to wait for those changes. And, in fact, they will be instrumental in those changes.

And so, here’s what I say:

Seek resources.

Definitely look for tools and resources online. And better yet, find an executive coach who specializes in the professional transition to working parenthood to support you in this process and with tools. In fact, we have a parental leave planning tool we’re happy to show you if you want to set up a (free!) chat!

Be strategic.

Get your sponsor/boss/internal heavy weight on board and ready to advocate for you. Tell them you are committed to making it work, paying close attention to being one of the first, and happy to be a leader who helps set an example for how successful parents can be at the company. Speak in their terms and what they/the org cares about. (Profit, reputation, and retention often work.)

It’s about you, and about so much more than you.

Harness your inner Alexis Ohanian or Shinjiro Koizumi. I’ve talked to hundreds of parents and companies, and it seems it’s going to be on us older millennial parents to pave the way for the those behind us. We are a critical, talented mass, and we’re demanding a new way of work that companies are going to catch up to, whether their pace is quick or slow. And pretty soon we will be senior level leaders if we aren’t already (and millennials will be 75% of the workforce) and can fix what those before us haven’t. And while it could seem like a lot is on the line for you and your family, consider this- what happens if you don’t take this leave? We know that, overall, dads who take leave and are more equal partners at home are happier and healthier, as are their kids and partners. We know that change happens when those of us with the most privilege- the voices people listen to- say what needs to be said. And we know that if we don’t capture this momentum, we may very well be sending our own kids into the same situation set up for us more than 100 years ago.

And if I’ve learned anything as a leader, it’s that I am responsible for either being part of the change we need to see or part of the reason things stay the same.

And remember, we’re all in this together.

All parents stand a better chance if we work together. Join up with the parents ERG, call in reinforcements like me to consult with HR and with leadership, and share your experience and tips with one another!

And lastly, please tell your story- at bowling, at poker night, in the boardroom, and with people who report to you and are watching you. We gain insight and normalize this behavior when we do so, fortifying families to take steps that work for them and encouraging companies and our culture to catch up.

What’s sparking for you?